Monday, August 31, 2009

Whole People

There is something about me that most people, I think, in my life, just don't get. I've narrowed it down to 'the paradigm' that I operate from, which is the singular belief that wherever I go people should get the genuine article, and I should get the same in return, from everyone. Though occasionally a bit nerve racking, like it or not- here we come, or there we go. Everyone can see us. We were all children once- nobody had a problem with us being genuine back then. Ragamuffin or Belle ought to depend on the day of the week, not on the need to mask insecurities from others.

Because of this mindset, or maybe because I promote it so consciously, I get a lot of bumps and bruises as I collide with people along the path of life who operate from other paradigms. But from where I stand, this is where the real living is- nothing beats it! How could anything top just living to follow your heart exactly, day by day, hour by hour? (I mean the good in your heart).

Some people may think "duh, who else would I be but the real me?" To you lucky ones, who never felt the natural propensity to be only fragments of yourself, I envy.

I picked up a book the other day about Human Intimacy. Not the sensual kind, but the whole person to whole person kind. To quote the book: "Intimacy is an enduring relationship between whole people. It includes communion with one's innermost self and union with others in social-emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual ways." In my life, it is never the emotional or physical aspects of intimacy that are hard to obtain with others, but the mental, and particularly, the spiritual. Where did all the whole people go?

For some reason, when I see people, I see right into their thoughts and feelings- which has a way of making the normal social protocol a bit lopsided and challenging on occasion. I certainly don't recall ever requesting this gift, much less knowing instinctively how to appropriately use it. I get awkward flashes of insight into who people really are, what troubles them, how they pretend it away or deal with it, and because I see it, I have no choice but have charity and compassion for them. Which is why I love people right when I meet them, or have enduring love, even if they bother me or are mean or cruel to me, even if I don't even like them. I don't even know why, it just happens- its just me. It makes me laugh sometimes, when I am talking to someone and they are pretending something but I am not buying it. And other times it breaks my heart- to see the gulf between what people really are and what they try, pretend, or need to be- for right or for wrong.

I think to myself, "I could help you work out these troubles." But usually, it doesn't work out. Most people really don't want to be discerned.

As I seek to fill my life with healthy friends and loved ones, and hopefully someday a nice and nurturing spouse, I find that I am most attracted to those who don't have much space between their intuitive feelings and their behavior. It almost doesn't even matter to me what your personality traits are, so long as they aren't an act of denial. So it is no surprise then, that I almost immediately repel actors and actresses, which I consider one of my greatest accomplishments to date. I also repel those who expect me to conduct myself according to (what I think are rediculous) social trends- such as the corporate ladder climb or the manipulative dating game. Good or bad, overbearing or shy, normal or crazy, religous or secular, I prefer spending time with genuine characters of any walk of life or any age over someone with a beautiful, but useless mask. Most of my favorite people are the least perfect that I know.

For the majority of my life I successfully reserved in hiding most of who I am and what I really want to be from most people in my world, even from my own family. I don't really know why I did that, because it made me unhappy. There are lots of reasons for this I suppose, but mostly, I had no desire to share, and when I did, I didn't know how to share or with whom. Then, I made a handful of true friends, and everything changed. For a relatively short period of time I recklessly shared anything with anyone, but then that just got to be too cumbersome. Having lived at the end of each spectrum, I can tell you all with great confidence that it is worth every heartache and trial to just be what you genuinely are, to embrace every truth in your life, even if for a while, it is honestly depressing.

Some of you may be concerned about me because I just broke up with Nathan, and we were in love, so it is easily assumed that I must be feeling heartbroken and lost. Anyone who thinks that way must not understand me much. Of course, yes, sad about not getting married, but very happy to have had something real happen in my life, even if just a memory. Anyway, if there is one thing that makes me feel devastated, it is chronic denial and or spiritual wickedness. No failed romance can break my heart the way that does. And, since Nate is a good soul, he does not add to pain in my life, he heals it. We're good, honestly.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for being you Emily. Otherwise we wouldn't have become and stayed good friends.

    P.S.- I repel actors and actresses too. Always wondered why:-)

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  2. I have to disagree with one thing. Having "levels" of self is a safety precaution. Like you said telling everything about yourself to everyone is tiring. A level of politeness, tact, or disgression is needed for different situations. Even you have these masks Em. You just don't use them in the disgusting backstabing fashion that some do. P.S.- Just because you can help them doesn't mean they want it. It's sad but don't take it personal. I applaude your level headedness.

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