Whole People

There is something about me that most people, I think, in my life, just don't get. I've narrowed it down to 'the paradigm' that I operate from, which is the singular belief that wherever I go people should get the genuine article, and I should get the same in return, from everyone. Though occasionally a bit nerve racking, like it or not- here we come, or there we go. Everyone can see us. We were all children once- nobody had a problem with us being genuine back then. Ragamuffin or Belle ought to depend on the day of the week, not on the need to mask insecurities from others.

Because of this mindset, or maybe because I promote it so consciously, I get a lot of bumps and bruises as I collide with people along the path of life who operate from other paradigms. But from where I stand, this is where the real living is- nothing beats it! How could anything top just living to follow your heart exactly, day by day, hour by hour? (I mean the good in your heart).

Some people may think "duh, who else would I be but the real me?" To you lucky ones, who never felt the natural propensity to be only fragments of yourself, I envy.

I picked up a book the other day about Human Intimacy. Not the sensual kind, but the whole person to whole person kind. To quote the book: "Intimacy is an enduring relationship between whole people. It includes communion with one's innermost self and union with others in social-emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual ways." In my life, it is never the emotional or physical aspects of intimacy that are hard to obtain with others, but the mental, and particularly, the spiritual. Where did all the whole people go?

For some reason, when I see people, I see right into their thoughts and feelings- which has a way of making the normal social protocol a bit lopsided and challenging on occasion. I certainly don't recall ever requesting this gift, much less knowing instinctively how to appropriately use it. I get awkward flashes of insight into who people really are, what troubles them, how they pretend it away or deal with it, and because I see it, I have no choice but have charity and compassion for them. Which is why I love people right when I meet them, or have enduring love, even if they bother me or are mean or cruel to me, even if I don't even like them. I don't even know why, it just happens- its just me. It makes me laugh sometimes, when I am talking to someone and they are pretending something but I am not buying it. And other times it breaks my heart- to see the gulf between what people really are and what they try, pretend, or need to be- for right or for wrong.

I think to myself, "I could help you work out these troubles." But usually, it doesn't work out. Most people really don't want to be discerned.

As I seek to fill my life with healthy friends and loved ones, and hopefully someday a nice and nurturing spouse, I find that I am most attracted to those who don't have much space between their intuitive feelings and their behavior. It almost doesn't even matter to me what your personality traits are, so long as they aren't an act of denial. So it is no surprise then, that I almost immediately repel actors and actresses, which I consider one of my greatest accomplishments to date. I also repel those who expect me to conduct myself according to (what I think are rediculous) social trends- such as the corporate ladder climb or the manipulative dating game. Good or bad, overbearing or shy, normal or crazy, religous or secular, I prefer spending time with genuine characters of any walk of life or any age over someone with a beautiful, but useless mask. Most of my favorite people are the least perfect that I know.

For the majority of my life I successfully reserved in hiding most of who I am and what I really want to be from most people in my world, even from my own family. I don't really know why I did that, because it made me unhappy. There are lots of reasons for this I suppose, but mostly, I had no desire to share, and when I did, I didn't know how to share or with whom. Then, I made a handful of true friends, and everything changed. For a relatively short period of time I recklessly shared anything with anyone, but then that just got to be too cumbersome. Having lived at the end of each spectrum, I can tell you all with great confidence that it is worth every heartache and trial to just be what you genuinely are, to embrace every truth in your life, even if for a while, it is honestly depressing.

Some of you may be concerned about me because I just broke up with Nathan, and we were in love, so it is easily assumed that I must be feeling heartbroken and lost. Anyone who thinks that way must not understand me much. Of course, yes, sad about not getting married, but very happy to have had something real happen in my life, even if just a memory. Anyway, if there is one thing that makes me feel devastated, it is chronic denial and or spiritual wickedness. No failed romance can break my heart the way that does. And, since Nate is a good soul, he does not add to pain in my life, he heals it. We're good, honestly.

thoughts on courtship and preparing for marriage

If a man can see the value in laboring and making sacrifices to pursue the necessary education and invest in the career of his choice- surely he will see the value in laboring and making sacrifices for obtaining the woman of his choice.

Some men do not care about such preparations. These men are likely to choose women who are not difficult to win over. If they define their self worth based on how they are treated by their man, which some do, these women may feel of low worth.

On the flip side, a woman who is herself established and prominent in her talents and areas of strength, and does not let every person in, will naturally command a higher regard. The reason is simple, the man had to prepare himself and make personal sacrifices, and hope, beyond hope- that he would be selected by her.

Sometimes men are interested in a career on the outset, then work in it for a while, and realize they hate their job. Sometimes, they even invest years pursuing a career that does not lead to feelings of fulfillment, and then choose a different one. Thus, relationships can be similar. A man or woman should not feel discouraged by the fact that they don't do it for the person they dated. But they should figure it out before marriage, otherwise the results will be devistating.

cool kid

Today my friend Emilie and I went to Balboa Park to look through an art museum. On the way in, I got distracted taking pictures, and she got distracted by a kid performing a magic show. I say kid, but what I mean is a teenager. Emilie loved the show, and showed her love by donating $10 into his hat (which is astronomical for her, as a tightwad), and then lecturing him on how he should always do what his heart tells him, which he was thankful for. Emilie has the talent of striking up a conversation with ANYONE and pulling them into her world. Hmmm, must be an Emily thing.

I was so happy! It was a beautiful day outside, I got to look at all manner of art, I got to people watch, I got to be inspired by beautiful things, I got to talk to really interesting people, and I got hawaiian shaved ice!! (not as good up here, but still tasty). All in all, I'd say it was a day well spent. Will definitely be going back soon.

genius

Pres Hinckley said once that the genius of the church is activity. I suppose it must be true for the individual too. From my observation, people who are actively engaged in wholesome activities are pretty happy with themselves.

introducing: i heart bean

What is simple and ordinary, good for you, commonly found and easy to enjoy? Love, of course. And le bean.

I heart bean is inspired by a piece of jewlery I wear daily (the tiffany bean neclace) but has become a metaphor I like to explore as a way to represent how I view life. I find myself exploring it both poetically and artistically as things happen in life. For example, Life is organic and unpredictable, yet created with limitless potential, just as a bean is created.

Likewise, we are all unique, we all grow, regardless of who we are, yet we all do not grow beautiful and fruitful-- to do the latter requires considerable effort and faith for most. To do so requires choice, if only we have the faith of a tiny mustard seed. I've created 'le voyage of le bean' to express my simple thoughts on lessons learned through living life as me, trying to be faithful, seeking to grow beautiful.

It is a pitty most do not share the joys and challenges of living, since we all experience both. But one does not always wish to do so without utilizing poetic license...thus, 'bean'

*enjoy*